Late-Night Comics Take Aim At Trump's Controversial 'Gold Card' Immigration Scheme

Late-night's leading hosts devoted the broadcast mocking former President Donald Trump's just launched visa program, called the "gold card," characterizing it as a blatant cash-for-residency arrangement for the affluent.

Colbert's Witty Spin

Starting his broadcast, Stephen Colbert delivered a satirical holiday song about the president. "He is compiling a list, checking it twice, then giving that list to the officials at ICE," he crooned. "Donald Trump ... ruins each thing he touches."

Colbert's target was the new plan that allows foreign individuals to acquire U.S. legal status for a sum of one million dollars, with a "top-tier" option for 5 million. A government website pledges processing "with unprecedented speed."

"One message for you to affluent applicants: before you pay, have you considered Canada?" Colbert remarked.

He noted that the program is also designed to "squeeze cash" from companies wanting to hire foreign workers, with significant payments. "That's a lot of fees, however if you sign up, you also get two free nights at a property of your choosing – if it's the that one hotel," he added.

"Unprecedented vetting the U.S. government has before done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to make sure these individuals completely meet the standard to be in America."

"That is important, you have to prove you're fit to be an American," Colbert responded. "Question one: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Commentary

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"Here's a card that will allow affluent foreigners to live here," he said. "For a million bucks, you get official resident status, you get a route to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one major crime of your selection."

"Maybe it's time to revise that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – to hell with your huddled masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel teased the lack of detail of the form, noting it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"Indeed, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "That's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Grocery Issues

On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's plunging approval numbers amid economic worries. "Voters gave Donald Trump a second term because they were upset about the economy," he explained.

Recently, in a bid to address prices, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a display of food items, and reacted peculiarly to some cereal.

"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump remarked. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a while."

"Trump is so incredibly weird," Meyers responded. "What do you mean, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by mocking conservative news defenses of Trump's economic record. "Maybe rather than complaining, you should give him a shiny trophy similar to the one FIFA did," he joked.