Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
